This is how I explain it to parents so they can recognize whether or not they are grooming a bully unknowingly. Remember this information comes from the front line of the battle and is not information that was extracted from some poll or study done somewhere in another part of the country. These are the in your face situations that I recognized, dealt with and corrected everyday teaching both kids and parents about how to handle bullies. This is correcting the problem and not just a program that is putting a Band Aid on the problem.
MY SUGGESTIONS TO PARENTS ON WHAT TO AVOID AT THE FOLLOWING AGES:0 to 2 years: (NO T.V.) Make sure you are in control - allowing your child to do what ever they want to do at this age is starting early teaching them that they can do, say and act how ever they want to to get what ever they want. As a father of 3 whose oldest is 14 and youngest is 7 I can tell you with great assurance that my children had learned by the age of 2.5 years that they were not going to scream and yell to get what they wanted. They were required to politely ask for what they wanted as well as learn that NO was not the end of the world. This boundary is necessary if you are to take them through the next phase.
3 to 5 years: (NO T.V.) This next one will be especially important if you have only one child - Do not allow your child to develop a selfish character. This is the age where they must understand that sharing is and will be a part of life. This can only be taught by you as the parent sharing what you have with your child ONLY when they have a good attitude and asking you politely. This may mean that YOU will have to get over being selfish yourself. They say the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree. The attitude of self-lessness will keep your child from thinking things are unfair. You don't want them to think they have to have everything everyone else has around them as it is more important to teach them to appreciate what they already have.
5 to 7 years: (1 HOUR OF T.V. OR COMPUTER A DAY OR NONE) Don't allow them to be a poor looser. This is the age when they need to learn how to loose with some style. Most bad attitudes about loosing come from parents who may have also not learned the art of loosing. Remember, kids don't know ANYTHING until they either learn it from their parents or the environment they are in on a constant basis. If they see you loosing it at the baseball or soccer game,buy yelling out "Bad Call" or "That's not Fair", they will assume that their short coming was SOMEONE ELSE'S fault hence causing them to look for an external source to change or manipulate instead of causing them to look at themselves and make the necessary changes. Remember, misery loves company so when your child is a poor looser, he/she will want to bring everyone else to their level. .
8 to 10: Don't disconnect: (NO MORE THAN 1 HOUR OF T.V. OR COMPUTER A DAY) By this age (especially in our society) children have already figured out how to use all the electronic communication devices and gizmo's such as the Internet, ipods, cell phones and so forth to communicate with each other. This sense of freedom to communicate with friends and schoolmates has hit much earlier with this generation than it did back in the 70's when I was coming up. What does this mean? It could mean that if you have allowed your children to walk all over you from 0 to 2 and they only think of themselves from 3 to 5 and they have destroyed picked on those around them who are successful all while inwardly not being able to handle loosing; and from age 5 to 7 then they more than likely have more in common with kids their own age than they do with THEIR own PARENTS. This disconnection perpetuates the gap between parents and children to the point that what peers say can be more inflential than the advice of parents and that their social behavior has been largely accumulated from other kids their own age.
Don't allow them to quit - (NO MORE THAN 1 HOUR A DAY OF T.V. OR COMPUTER) - This skill becomes important because kids that quit eventually feel disappointed about never having completed a program or skill. This is especially apparant when peers around them are accomplishing things they themselves were allowed to quit. Today's parents are under the impression that children know what is good for them and should be allowed to make the decision as to whether or not they should continue an activity based on whether or not it's fun. Kids who are allowed to quite on a perpetual basis don't really ever get good at anything and (A). Do not stay busy enough to stay out of trouble (B). Do not carry a sense of pride in a job well done. Without staying busy, kids get board and when kids get board (due to the mischief of their peers) they don't usually find the most positive ways to express their boredom. The inability to feel proud of yourself does not allow you to be proud of another persons accomplishments and actually causes you to resent those that are successful around you. This eventually can lead to a person who is always trying to destroy the pride and hard work of another.
Age 11 to 13 - Don't allow them to speak ill of those around them. (DON'T ALLOW MORE THAN 1 HOUR OF COMPUTER OR TV A DAY) We do not allow our children to criticize other children or adults by belittling them behind their backs. This type of behavior is usually corrected by parents but remember, ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. If you are using phrases like "He doesn't know what he's talking about" "What a looser" "They're just stupid" "That's unfair and shouldn't be allowed" .... then guess who is saying all that about you and everyone else behind your back. Teach your children to be RESPECTFUL of everyone by remaining silent when you don't have anything good to say. I like the quote "Never miss out on a good opportunity to just be quiet" (I believe it was Dr. Phil) This attitude of Respect is taught early on when you didn't allow them to walk all over you from age 0 to 2 and you taught them the power of sharing.
Don't allow them to be overly critical of themselves: (DON'T ALLOW MORE THAN 1 HOUR OF TV OR COMPUTER A DAY) A person who is TOO hard on themselves will in turn be too hard on others. Remember, when people get frustrated they search for a way to release that frustration somewhere on someone. Teaching children that "things aren't fair"will cause a child to think that life owes them something and if it doesn't come fast enough for them, they will just take it by belittling others to feel more important or noticed. A person who is only being told all the bad things they are doing eventually finds someone else to criticize so that they are not feeling like they are the one with all the faults. This is one of the worst things a child can learn.
14 to 16 Don't allow them to take more than they give: (DON'T ALLOW MORE THAN 1 HOUR OF T.V. OR COMPUTER A DAY) By this age if they have learned they can get what they want through manipulation / the are selfish / they don't know how to turn loosing into a positive learning opportunity / they are chronic quitters / they are hard on themselves and overly critical of others I can guarantee that you have developed a person who has learned and been groomed through the years, to take more than they give. Takers take more than the physical attack, they take emotionally as well.
By reading through the BACKOFFBULLIES blog stories you will see that those who take emotionally cause the greatest amount of damage. Those who take more than they give feel that they deserve everything even if they have to take it by force.
Obviously I have only listed a few things at certain ages that a parent should be aware of and consequently I am aware that these ugly traits could rear their heads at different ages at different times. These are the ages my children experience them and the ages that we battled them. I'm sure you also notice the running thread of (NO MORE THAN 1 HOUR OF TV OR COMPUTER A DAY AND BETTER YET NONE WHEN YOU CAN HELP IT) This has been, what I believe, the crowning success in our house in preventing the socialization of the bully mentality. Without the influence of shows that teach nothing but violence, deceit, malice, back biting, mischief, dishonesty, lying, cheating and revenge, my children have grown up only knowing life as we have taught it in our home with the added advantage of all the commercials that a pliable mind is exposed to while watching an average of 130 hours a week either watching and absorbing the "PROGRAMING" (there is a reason why it is called a program y'all) or on their electronic devices (usually unmonitored). That is 41% of each and every day spent on electronic education - (remember TV and computer satisfy the Sesame Street generation 100% - like Sesame Street the TV and computer are quick source of entertainment / constantly changing variety, easy source of control and power, colorful and bright, lower level of brain activity and lulling people into living vicariously through what they watch on TV instead of doing it themselves. (You did know that your child's brain is working less while watching Sesame Street than it is while you read them a book of course)
The purpose of this article is to open our eyes as parents to the other 100 things out there that our kids are learning while we might not be paying attention. Turn off the TV - pull them off the computer and out of the headphones and get to know the most special gift your were ever privileged to receive. After all, there's nothing worse than a child who later bullies their parents..
Until next time - "Be the Change You Want to See"
Professor J. McKey - KENJIUKAI-DO
