Wednesday, September 1, 2010
BACK TO SCHOOL MEANS BACK TO BULLIES
Boy was burned over 2/3rds of his body - this is SICK - What are kids thinking? Read "ENDANGERED MINDS" & " A is for OX" - open your eyes everyone and welcome to the post illiterate world we now live in.
"Be the change you want to see"
Sunday, August 15, 2010
ARE YOU RAISING A BULLY AND DON'T KNOW IT?
Most of the time I find a relevant article to share with you but this time I am going to speak from my over 20 years of Martial Arts background in working with people who have both been bullied and been the bully. (You hear a lot of things in 20 years of working with the public)
This is how I explain it to parents so they can recognize whether or not they are grooming a bully unknowingly. Remember this information comes from the front line of the battle and is not information that was extracted from some poll or study done somewhere in another part of the country. These are the in your face situations that I recognized, dealt with and corrected everyday teaching both kids and parents about how to handle bullies. This is correcting the problem and not just a program that is putting a Band Aid on the problem.
MY SUGGESTIONS TO PARENTS ON WHAT TO AVOID AT THE FOLLOWING AGES:
0 to 2 years: (NO T.V.) Make sure you are in control - allowing your child to do what ever they want to do at this age is starting early teaching them that they can do, say and act how ever they want to to get what ever they want. As a father of 3 whose oldest is 14 and youngest is 7 I can tell you with great assurance that my children had learned by the age of 2.5 years that they were not going to scream and yell to get what they wanted. They were required to politely ask for what they wanted as well as learn that NO was not the end of the world. This boundary is necessary if you are to take them through the next phase.
3 to 5 years: (NO T.V.) This next one will be especially important if you have only one child - Do not allow your child to develop a selfish character. This is the age where they must understand that sharing is and will be a part of life. This can only be taught by you as the parent sharing what you have with your child ONLY when they have a good attitude and asking you politely. This may mean that YOU will have to get over being selfish yourself. They say the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree. The attitude of self-lessness will keep your child from thinking things are unfair. You don't want them to think they have to have everything everyone else has around them as it is more important to teach them to appreciate what they already have.
5 to 7 years: (1 HOUR OF T.V. OR COMPUTER A DAY OR NONE) Don't allow them to be a poor looser. This is the age when they need to learn how to loose with some style. Most bad attitudes about loosing come from parents who may have also not learned the art of loosing. Remember, kids don't know ANYTHING until they either learn it from their parents or the environment they are in on a constant basis. If they see you loosing it at the baseball or soccer game,buy yelling out "Bad Call" or "That's not Fair", they will assume that their short coming was SOMEONE ELSE'S fault hence causing them to look for an external source to change or manipulate instead of causing them to look at themselves and make the necessary changes. Remember, misery loves company so when your child is a poor looser, he/she will want to bring everyone else to their level. .
8 to 10: Don't disconnect: (NO MORE THAN 1 HOUR OF T.V. OR COMPUTER A DAY) By this age (especially in our society) children have already figured out how to use all the electronic communication devices and gizmo's such as the Internet, ipods, cell phones and so forth to communicate with each other. This sense of freedom to communicate with friends and schoolmates has hit much earlier with this generation than it did back in the 70's when I was coming up. What does this mean? It could mean that if you have allowed your children to walk all over you from 0 to 2 and they only think of themselves from 3 to 5 and they have destroyed picked on those around them who are successful all while inwardly not being able to handle loosing; and from age 5 to 7 then they more than likely have more in common with kids their own age than they do with THEIR own PARENTS. This disconnection perpetuates the gap between parents and children to the point that what peers say can be more inflential than the advice of parents and that their social behavior has been largely accumulated from other kids their own age.
Don't allow them to quit - (NO MORE THAN 1 HOUR A DAY OF T.V. OR COMPUTER) - This skill becomes important because kids that quit eventually feel disappointed about never having completed a program or skill. This is especially apparant when peers around them are accomplishing things they themselves were allowed to quit. Today's parents are under the impression that children know what is good for them and should be allowed to make the decision as to whether or not they should continue an activity based on whether or not it's fun. Kids who are allowed to quite on a perpetual basis don't really ever get good at anything and (A). Do not stay busy enough to stay out of trouble (B). Do not carry a sense of pride in a job well done. Without staying busy, kids get board and when kids get board (due to the mischief of their peers) they don't usually find the most positive ways to express their boredom. The inability to feel proud of yourself does not allow you to be proud of another persons accomplishments and actually causes you to resent those that are successful around you. This eventually can lead to a person who is always trying to destroy the pride and hard work of another.
Age 11 to 13 - Don't allow them to speak ill of those around them. (DON'T ALLOW MORE THAN 1 HOUR OF COMPUTER OR TV A DAY) We do not allow our children to criticize other children or adults by belittling them behind their backs. This type of behavior is usually corrected by parents but remember, ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. If you are using phrases like "He doesn't know what he's talking about" "What a looser" "They're just stupid" "That's unfair and shouldn't be allowed" .... then guess who is saying all that about you and everyone else behind your back. Teach your children to be RESPECTFUL of everyone by remaining silent when you don't have anything good to say. I like the quote "Never miss out on a good opportunity to just be quiet" (I believe it was Dr. Phil) This attitude of Respect is taught early on when you didn't allow them to walk all over you from age 0 to 2 and you taught them the power of sharing.
Don't allow them to be overly critical of themselves: (DON'T ALLOW MORE THAN 1 HOUR OF TV OR COMPUTER A DAY) A person who is TOO hard on themselves will in turn be too hard on others. Remember, when people get frustrated they search for a way to release that frustration somewhere on someone. Teaching children that "things aren't fair"will cause a child to think that life owes them something and if it doesn't come fast enough for them, they will just take it by belittling others to feel more important or noticed. A person who is only being told all the bad things they are doing eventually finds someone else to criticize so that they are not feeling like they are the one with all the faults. This is one of the worst things a child can learn.
14 to 16 Don't allow them to take more than they give: (DON'T ALLOW MORE THAN 1 HOUR OF T.V. OR COMPUTER A DAY) By this age if they have learned they can get what they want through manipulation / the are selfish / they don't know how to turn loosing into a positive learning opportunity / they are chronic quitters / they are hard on themselves and overly critical of others I can guarantee that you have developed a person who has learned and been groomed through the years, to take more than they give. Takers take more than the physical attack, they take emotionally as well.
By reading through the BACKOFFBULLIES blog stories you will see that those who take emotionally cause the greatest amount of damage. Those who take more than they give feel that they deserve everything even if they have to take it by force.
Obviously I have only listed a few things at certain ages that a parent should be aware of and consequently I am aware that these ugly traits could rear their heads at different ages at different times. These are the ages my children experience them and the ages that we battled them. I'm sure you also notice the running thread of (NO MORE THAN 1 HOUR OF TV OR COMPUTER A DAY AND BETTER YET NONE WHEN YOU CAN HELP IT) This has been, what I believe, the crowning success in our house in preventing the socialization of the bully mentality. Without the influence of shows that teach nothing but violence, deceit, malice, back biting, mischief, dishonesty, lying, cheating and revenge, my children have grown up only knowing life as we have taught it in our home with the added advantage of all the commercials that a pliable mind is exposed to while watching an average of 130 hours a week either watching and absorbing the "PROGRAMING" (there is a reason why it is called a program y'all) or on their electronic devices (usually unmonitored). That is 41% of each and every day spent on electronic education - (remember TV and computer satisfy the Sesame Street generation 100% - like Sesame Street the TV and computer are quick source of entertainment / constantly changing variety, easy source of control and power, colorful and bright, lower level of brain activity and lulling people into living vicariously through what they watch on TV instead of doing it themselves. (You did know that your child's brain is working less while watching Sesame Street than it is while you read them a book of course)
The purpose of this article is to open our eyes as parents to the other 100 things out there that our kids are learning while we might not be paying attention. Turn off the TV - pull them off the computer and out of the headphones and get to know the most special gift your were ever privileged to receive. After all, there's nothing worse than a child who later bullies their parents..
Until next time - "Be the Change You Want to See"
Professor J. McKey - KENJIUKAI-DO
This is how I explain it to parents so they can recognize whether or not they are grooming a bully unknowingly. Remember this information comes from the front line of the battle and is not information that was extracted from some poll or study done somewhere in another part of the country. These are the in your face situations that I recognized, dealt with and corrected everyday teaching both kids and parents about how to handle bullies. This is correcting the problem and not just a program that is putting a Band Aid on the problem.
MY SUGGESTIONS TO PARENTS ON WHAT TO AVOID AT THE FOLLOWING AGES:0 to 2 years: (NO T.V.) Make sure you are in control - allowing your child to do what ever they want to do at this age is starting early teaching them that they can do, say and act how ever they want to to get what ever they want. As a father of 3 whose oldest is 14 and youngest is 7 I can tell you with great assurance that my children had learned by the age of 2.5 years that they were not going to scream and yell to get what they wanted. They were required to politely ask for what they wanted as well as learn that NO was not the end of the world. This boundary is necessary if you are to take them through the next phase.
3 to 5 years: (NO T.V.) This next one will be especially important if you have only one child - Do not allow your child to develop a selfish character. This is the age where they must understand that sharing is and will be a part of life. This can only be taught by you as the parent sharing what you have with your child ONLY when they have a good attitude and asking you politely. This may mean that YOU will have to get over being selfish yourself. They say the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree. The attitude of self-lessness will keep your child from thinking things are unfair. You don't want them to think they have to have everything everyone else has around them as it is more important to teach them to appreciate what they already have.
5 to 7 years: (1 HOUR OF T.V. OR COMPUTER A DAY OR NONE) Don't allow them to be a poor looser. This is the age when they need to learn how to loose with some style. Most bad attitudes about loosing come from parents who may have also not learned the art of loosing. Remember, kids don't know ANYTHING until they either learn it from their parents or the environment they are in on a constant basis. If they see you loosing it at the baseball or soccer game,buy yelling out "Bad Call" or "That's not Fair", they will assume that their short coming was SOMEONE ELSE'S fault hence causing them to look for an external source to change or manipulate instead of causing them to look at themselves and make the necessary changes. Remember, misery loves company so when your child is a poor looser, he/she will want to bring everyone else to their level. .
8 to 10: Don't disconnect: (NO MORE THAN 1 HOUR OF T.V. OR COMPUTER A DAY) By this age (especially in our society) children have already figured out how to use all the electronic communication devices and gizmo's such as the Internet, ipods, cell phones and so forth to communicate with each other. This sense of freedom to communicate with friends and schoolmates has hit much earlier with this generation than it did back in the 70's when I was coming up. What does this mean? It could mean that if you have allowed your children to walk all over you from 0 to 2 and they only think of themselves from 3 to 5 and they have destroyed picked on those around them who are successful all while inwardly not being able to handle loosing; and from age 5 to 7 then they more than likely have more in common with kids their own age than they do with THEIR own PARENTS. This disconnection perpetuates the gap between parents and children to the point that what peers say can be more inflential than the advice of parents and that their social behavior has been largely accumulated from other kids their own age.
Don't allow them to quit - (NO MORE THAN 1 HOUR A DAY OF T.V. OR COMPUTER) - This skill becomes important because kids that quit eventually feel disappointed about never having completed a program or skill. This is especially apparant when peers around them are accomplishing things they themselves were allowed to quit. Today's parents are under the impression that children know what is good for them and should be allowed to make the decision as to whether or not they should continue an activity based on whether or not it's fun. Kids who are allowed to quite on a perpetual basis don't really ever get good at anything and (A). Do not stay busy enough to stay out of trouble (B). Do not carry a sense of pride in a job well done. Without staying busy, kids get board and when kids get board (due to the mischief of their peers) they don't usually find the most positive ways to express their boredom. The inability to feel proud of yourself does not allow you to be proud of another persons accomplishments and actually causes you to resent those that are successful around you. This eventually can lead to a person who is always trying to destroy the pride and hard work of another.
Age 11 to 13 - Don't allow them to speak ill of those around them. (DON'T ALLOW MORE THAN 1 HOUR OF COMPUTER OR TV A DAY) We do not allow our children to criticize other children or adults by belittling them behind their backs. This type of behavior is usually corrected by parents but remember, ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. If you are using phrases like "He doesn't know what he's talking about" "What a looser" "They're just stupid" "That's unfair and shouldn't be allowed" .... then guess who is saying all that about you and everyone else behind your back. Teach your children to be RESPECTFUL of everyone by remaining silent when you don't have anything good to say. I like the quote "Never miss out on a good opportunity to just be quiet" (I believe it was Dr. Phil) This attitude of Respect is taught early on when you didn't allow them to walk all over you from age 0 to 2 and you taught them the power of sharing.
Don't allow them to be overly critical of themselves: (DON'T ALLOW MORE THAN 1 HOUR OF TV OR COMPUTER A DAY) A person who is TOO hard on themselves will in turn be too hard on others. Remember, when people get frustrated they search for a way to release that frustration somewhere on someone. Teaching children that "things aren't fair"will cause a child to think that life owes them something and if it doesn't come fast enough for them, they will just take it by belittling others to feel more important or noticed. A person who is only being told all the bad things they are doing eventually finds someone else to criticize so that they are not feeling like they are the one with all the faults. This is one of the worst things a child can learn.
14 to 16 Don't allow them to take more than they give: (DON'T ALLOW MORE THAN 1 HOUR OF T.V. OR COMPUTER A DAY) By this age if they have learned they can get what they want through manipulation / the are selfish / they don't know how to turn loosing into a positive learning opportunity / they are chronic quitters / they are hard on themselves and overly critical of others I can guarantee that you have developed a person who has learned and been groomed through the years, to take more than they give. Takers take more than the physical attack, they take emotionally as well.
By reading through the BACKOFFBULLIES blog stories you will see that those who take emotionally cause the greatest amount of damage. Those who take more than they give feel that they deserve everything even if they have to take it by force.
Obviously I have only listed a few things at certain ages that a parent should be aware of and consequently I am aware that these ugly traits could rear their heads at different ages at different times. These are the ages my children experience them and the ages that we battled them. I'm sure you also notice the running thread of (NO MORE THAN 1 HOUR OF TV OR COMPUTER A DAY AND BETTER YET NONE WHEN YOU CAN HELP IT) This has been, what I believe, the crowning success in our house in preventing the socialization of the bully mentality. Without the influence of shows that teach nothing but violence, deceit, malice, back biting, mischief, dishonesty, lying, cheating and revenge, my children have grown up only knowing life as we have taught it in our home with the added advantage of all the commercials that a pliable mind is exposed to while watching an average of 130 hours a week either watching and absorbing the "PROGRAMING" (there is a reason why it is called a program y'all) or on their electronic devices (usually unmonitored). That is 41% of each and every day spent on electronic education - (remember TV and computer satisfy the Sesame Street generation 100% - like Sesame Street the TV and computer are quick source of entertainment / constantly changing variety, easy source of control and power, colorful and bright, lower level of brain activity and lulling people into living vicariously through what they watch on TV instead of doing it themselves. (You did know that your child's brain is working less while watching Sesame Street than it is while you read them a book of course)
The purpose of this article is to open our eyes as parents to the other 100 things out there that our kids are learning while we might not be paying attention. Turn off the TV - pull them off the computer and out of the headphones and get to know the most special gift your were ever privileged to receive. After all, there's nothing worse than a child who later bullies their parents..
Until next time - "Be the Change You Want to See"
Professor J. McKey - KENJIUKAI-DO
Friday, July 2, 2010
BUY IT NOW - BACK OFF BULLIES Vol 1 IS HERE
This has been 4 years in the making and producing but it's finally here. 6th Degree Black Belt Professor McKey has produced a revolutionary method of Non-Violent Self Defense for grade school children. This is a 2 disk Vol with over 40 NON VIOLENT self defense techniques geared for grade school and up.
Back Off Bullies is a compilation of several different systems of Martial Arts used in the KENJIUKAI Combat System. The combinations of the differnt styles helps a student of KENJIUKAI make a choice about hurting another person and that choice is safety and humanity. Professor McKey has devised this system of self defense in the hopes that it will spawn a deeper concern for mankind and teach the community at large that everyone is special and deserving of a 2nd, 3rd and even 4th chance.
Check out more at www.respect1st.weebly.com
Thursday, July 1, 2010
HERE'S HOW I READ ARTICLES I SEE ON BULLYING
Here is an article on the kind of advice being given to parents out there and I thought I should pick this apart from a professional’s opinion.
Dealing With Bullies
My 8-year-old son feels he is being bullied by neighborhood kids and he has threatened them back. He also has two sisters and feels invisible as the middle child in our family. What should I do?
"Our job as parents is to keep our kids safe. Always encourage your son to tell you if he is being bullied and how it makes him feel." --- I agree with this 100% but, this only happens when the parents are better listeners than advice givers. If all you do is solve your child’s problems each time they bring them to you, then you have enabled him/her from working the problem out them selves. Be a facilitator not a dictator.
"Remind him that it is not his fault"----- Evaluate to make sure it's not his/her fault because it could be.
"Suggest that he stay away from those kids and persuade him not to threaten back." ---- I agree that threatening is not the way to go but in some instances, better results are gained by at least standing up for your self and letting the bullies know that you are not going to take it any more. Most bullies are bark and no bite. This has been proven over and over again through out the years so don't be afraid to speak your mind when you know the time is right. Speaking your mind when it's 5 to 1 may not be the right time to stand up for yourself. If you have the ability to either draw attention to your situation or get away, you stand a better chance of standing up to bullies.
"You need to encourage him to be the "better person. Have him tell the kids who are bullying him that he doesn't like it and that they should stop! He could just say "Quit it, David" and then walk away." --- Although this is the best thing to do theoretically, sometimes you cannot just walk away and just saying STOP does not always work. If you are going to say stop and walk away, remember to keep your eye on the bully because there's nothing worse than being jumped from behind.
"Remind him that bullies like to upset people, so if he can keep his cool and react with a calm voice rather than an angry voice, the bully will not get the desired response." --- Some bullies see the calm voice as a target to continue the taunting. They see it as a challenge. I encourage you to day nothing and make eye contact with a confident face. Saying nothing makes you unpredictable and unpredictable is not what the bully is counting on.
"If your son doesn't feel comfortable saying that to the bully by himself, he could ask someone to be there when he does speak face to face with the bully. The bully might be more open to listening than to bullying when another person is present." --- Again, I say that if you are going to address bullies you need to be confident and make sure they know that you are not satisfied with their behavior. Having someone around when you do this only allows you the comfort in knowing someone will intercede if things go bad.
"Also, if your son doesn't feel comfortable with what you are suggesting, encourage him to just walk away but to still tell you about it." --- Remember what I said earlier, you will only get this to happen if you have established a reputation for being a listener and not a problem solver.
"You can discreetly go and have a word with the bully's parents and see if they can do something about their child's bullying ways." --- This sounds great but will only work if you have hard facts to back it up, have reports from the school or pictures that you have taken of bruises and scrapes or even text messages and posts that have been saved. Make sure that you are going to solve the problem and not add fuel to the fire. You could be causing a bigger problem than you ever imagined. Just make sure you evaluate the situation 1st. It may be better to get the principal or a 3rd party involved 1st with the child’s parents as their emotions won't be so raw and on edge. Regardless how bad children are, they are still someone’s child and the mothering instinct to protect and not believe another person may kick in but from a teacher or principal you may get better results.
Over all the suggestions aren't bad but make sure you read between the lines when you see an article like this. After all only you know your child. Each case of bullying is different so the suggestions here may or may not work so do your research on the subject and trust your gut.
Until next time, Be the change you want to see.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
TOO MUCH FOCUS ON PUNISHMENT
I just finished watching movie about crimes and punishments and it stirred an emotion of anger and justice inside me. I started thinking of all the unspeakable crimes that are perpetrated and go unnoticed in our society these days.
The real question is, “what do you do with that anger”? After all, don’t we all get angry once in a while? Haven’t we all said “That’s not fair” and “He deserved what he got”? If you’re like me, you’ve said and meant this but was that the right thing to say? Was that the right way to act and think? Are we thinking about the solution in this frame of mind or are we just focused on how unfairly we’ve been treated or are we allowing our own bullying instinct to take over when someone gets punished for a crime they committed?
At what point in that criminals’ life would someone made a difference after all, it was more than likely the environment and society around him that caused him/her to do what they did and that same environment and society now wants to punish him or her. Does that make any sense?
Just like any maddening cycle, we have to change the way we are grooming criminals of any type so where does it start? Each of us has a circle of influence that in some small way we have say so and our words mean something. This is where we can spark a change that can make a difference. Just remember not to be involved in judging, criticizing, pigeon holing, pointing the finger, blaming, classifying or hating. Instead, let’s find the solution.
Be the change you want to see in stead of trying to change those around you. We need a cure, NOT a band aid.
CLICK HERE to read the article
The real question is, “what do you do with that anger”? After all, don’t we all get angry once in a while? Haven’t we all said “That’s not fair” and “He deserved what he got”? If you’re like me, you’ve said and meant this but was that the right thing to say? Was that the right way to act and think? Are we thinking about the solution in this frame of mind or are we just focused on how unfairly we’ve been treated or are we allowing our own bullying instinct to take over when someone gets punished for a crime they committed?
At what point in that criminals’ life would someone made a difference after all, it was more than likely the environment and society around him that caused him/her to do what they did and that same environment and society now wants to punish him or her. Does that make any sense?
Just like any maddening cycle, we have to change the way we are grooming criminals of any type so where does it start? Each of us has a circle of influence that in some small way we have say so and our words mean something. This is where we can spark a change that can make a difference. Just remember not to be involved in judging, criticizing, pigeon holing, pointing the finger, blaming, classifying or hating. Instead, let’s find the solution.
Be the change you want to see in stead of trying to change those around you. We need a cure, NOT a band aid.
CLICK HERE to read the article
Monday, June 14, 2010
Bully Presentation
Remember, this is but the tip of the ice berg on bully prevention - Please don't hesitate to email me your questions about bullying in your life, school or neighborhood. Together we can be the change we want to see.
Bully presentation
View more presentations from jay mckey.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
DO WE REALLY NEED THE GOVERNMENT TO TELL US TO BE NICE
ANTI BULLYING LAW IS STRUCK DOWN in
NEW YOUR LEGISLATURE -
In a way I'm glad this law was taken down. Do we really need the government to force us to be nice to each other. Does being forced to be nice really make a person nice or will they just find another way to be mean. In my years of experience dealing with the human ego and phsyce I can tell you that people are a result of thier surroundings. It is each persons job to project kindness in everything they do so that all may be affected and invited to join in the unity of peace and harmony with their fellow man. This is the only way to create and invite change. Check this out and remember to BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE.
In a way I'm glad this law was taken down. Do we really need the government to force us to be nice to each other. Does being forced to be nice really make a person nice or will they just find another way to be mean. In my years of experience dealing with the human ego and phsyce I can tell you that people are a result of thier surroundings. It is each persons job to project kindness in everything they do so that all may be affected and invited to join in the unity of peace and harmony with their fellow man. This is the only way to create and invite change. Check this out and remember to BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE.
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